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In Pursuit of Solace

A Lesbian couple's Journey of Domestic Discipline

When Fantasy Meets Reality

I lived the DD lifestyle in my head for many years. Daily visions of my servitude or needed discipline would flash across my mind’s eye like a movie projector giving me a sense of security. I kept my need to myself for many years due to fears, lack of opportunity and at times shame but always knowing that at some point I would live this life. When I finally summoned the courage to ask for what I wanted and it was accepted, I flung myself heart and soul into committing to the D/s lifestyle.

In return for my soulful immersion I was met with an explosive collision of fantasy meets reality. Somewhere along the line, I believed the fantasy. I thought that by just telling my love that this is what I wanted, she would instinctively know what I needed. Punishments would be handed out meticulously for every infraction, each day would be filled with structure and commands and I would be floating in a submissive bliss. Instead, reality busted through the back door like a horny prom date. What seemed so easy in fantasy, was deemed impossible with kids, work, school and life.

I quickly realized that I had no clue as to what I really wanted, much less how to convey those desires to my spouse. We floundered and gave up many times the first few years of living this lifestyle. We consulted many of the great websites out there that were created to answer questions, but were still left scratching our heads. The answer finally came down to identifying needs.

Identifying needs is a mucky job. It requires both of you to look at yourselves, your behaviors and what is not working as it should be in your relationship. Once that unpleasantness is dealt with, a list of needs is made. Needs are important, they are the building blocks of the foundation of your DD relationship. From them, rules and behavior modifications can begin, as well as structure and purpose to your servitude.

We will talk more about needs in the next post titled “How to Customize Your DD Relationship.” Until then, think about what it is you really need for yourself and your relationship. Drop a comment, would love to hear your thoughts!

Lucinda

When Questioning Authority is Needed for Growth.

Learning to grow as a submissive also means that the Dominant must learn to grow as a leader. As a submissive we strive to submit physically, mentally and emotionally, but what happens when a situation or decision comes up that causes us to question our HoH? After the initial shock, we as submissives are left with intense emotions and a heck of a lot of self-doubt. We question ourselves and our lifestyle choice. What do we do in such a case? Let me share what happened to me…

Recently, a decision/attitude was displayed by my HoH that caused me to question her authority. I was hurt and angry over the decision that was made and felt that it was made without my consideration taken into account. That another’s feelings outside of the relationship was put above my own. I found myself sullen and detached in my submission, going through the motions as my mind and heart remained elsewhere. While she was left scratching her head as to what was going on, doubting herself in the confusion.

This sort of situation had not presented in our relationship beforehand and left us both wondering as to what to do. She felt as though she was correct in her decision and I felt that to question her decision would be to question the whole of her authority. I wanted to remain submissive and obedient and I thought to question her would be going beyond the definition of my submission. I was wrong. And here’s why.

I failed to communicate. Our Hohs, Dom’s etc. are not mind readers. No matter how intelligent they are, they are completely illiterate when it comes to reading our minds. They cannot guess what we are feeling or thinking, it is up to us as a form of submission to express what is going on inside of ourselves. To tell our leader how we feel is the glue that keeps the relationship together. Communicating how we feel is not an act of defiance, but rather a deeper and much needed form of submission.

Communication is an extremely important aspect of growth for both of you. Any type of relationship is two or more HUMANS trying to make the best of this thing called life. As a human, growth is unavoidable, we grow through our mistakes, trials and triumphs. It takes communication to bring understanding during these times so that we can grow in our relationship.

While trust is the main foundation of any DD relationship, it also takes communication and growth to maintain that trust. Whether you are just starting out in the lifestyle or have been practicing for many years, growth will always need to happen.

 

Lucinda

Self Harm & Discipline

I am a self-harmer, it took me a long time to recognize and accept this about myself. You see, self-harm does not always present itself with razors slicing tender flesh but in subtle thoughts and self-destructive behaviors that bring harm to our well-being.

How often when life becomes unbearable do thoughts such as; “loser”, “idiot” or “I totally suck at ______” run through our minds? Or my favorite “the world would be so much better off without me.” These are thoughts that destroy us from the inside and influence our behaviors. Self-destructive behaviors are any type of action that causes us to suffer or find numbing relief. These can be denying ourselves food/medicine/love, smoking/drinking excessively, blocking out or pushing those we love away to name a few.

Most of the time, in my experience, self-harm comes from known and unknown triggers like fear, anger, worry, neglect, or certain needs not being met. Having a way to focus, acknowledge and express what is triggering this behavior allows us to confront and handle self-destructive thoughts/behaviors.

Within our household, we have a protocol for self-destructive behaviors, which consists of a spanking, time for reflection and writing, followed by a conversation. This works for us because each component brings an added understanding of what is going on with me. Spanking brings both focus, comfort/relief and an air of forgiveness to us both. The damaging thoughts are interrupted and the truth of what I am feeling sometimes shines through. Afterwards it is time for reflection and journaling. I am told to write everything that I think or feel, regardless of if it makes sense or truthfully hurts. This part to me is the most therapeutic, allowing all the darkness within me to have a voice. Then the hardest phase, to share and discuss what I have written with my partner. While the most beneficial it is often the hardest to expose such vulnerabilities. But, this is the most crucial aspect of the punishment, our partners need to know and understand us and we need to know that at our worst we are truly loved and cared for.

Disclaimer: If you feel the need to harm yourself or others, please seek medical attention immediately. Keep fighting for you are not alone and are so worthy of love.

Hello and Welcome!

Thank you so much for stopping by. This blog is a glimpse into our journey of Domestic Discipline and how it has brought us closer but allowed us to grow in our own ways as well.

We are a 40ish lesbian couple that live an eclectic blend of traditional discipline along with a smattering of BDSM and holistic aspects. It is my hope that by chronicling our trials, tribulations, joys and victories will provide answers to those seeking this type of lifestyle.

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