I lived the DD lifestyle in my head for many years. Daily visions of my servitude or needed discipline would flash across my mind’s eye like a movie projector giving me a sense of security. I kept my need to myself for many years due to fears, lack of opportunity and at times shame but always knowing that at some point I would live this life. When I finally summoned the courage to ask for what I wanted and it was accepted, I flung myself heart and soul into committing to the D/s lifestyle.

In return for my soulful immersion I was met with an explosive collision of fantasy meets reality. Somewhere along the line, I believed the fantasy. I thought that by just telling my love that this is what I wanted, she would instinctively know what I needed. Punishments would be handed out meticulously for every infraction, each day would be filled with structure and commands and I would be floating in a submissive bliss. Instead, reality busted through the back door like a horny prom date. What seemed so easy in fantasy, was deemed impossible with kids, work, school and life.

I quickly realized that I had no clue as to what I really wanted, much less how to convey those desires to my spouse. We floundered and gave up many times the first few years of living this lifestyle. We consulted many of the great websites out there that were created to answer questions, but were still left scratching our heads. The answer finally came down to identifying needs.

Identifying needs is a mucky job. It requires both of you to look at yourselves, your behaviors and what is not working as it should be in your relationship. Once that unpleasantness is dealt with, a list of needs is made. Needs are important, they are the building blocks of the foundation of your DD relationship. From them, rules and behavior modifications can begin, as well as structure and purpose to your servitude.

We will talk more about needs in the next post titled “How to Customize Your DD Relationship.” Until then, think about what it is you really need for yourself and your relationship. Drop a comment, would love to hear your thoughts!